Good News!

Today was my company's annual Halloween party for parents and kids. The parents all leave at 2 p.m. and get the rest of the day off as they take their kids around the building for trick-or-treating. This has always been one of my favorite days of the year (even though I don't get the time off since I don't have a kiddo yet.) I just love seeing all of the cute little ones dressed up. They are precious and so fun!

Last year I had the first twinge of heartache as they paraded by my door and stopped to say hi. A pang of sadness hit hard as I wondered if that would ever be me. I promised myself that next year's Halloween party would see me with my own little one or pregnant.

Well, it's next year and no dice. And the pain was back even stronger this year. But I didn't let that stop me from enjoying the fun and playing with people's babies and children exclaiming how cute they all are. After I sat back down at my desk after the last one left I said to myself and God, "Will that ever be me? When is my time coming?" I started to get a little down.

Right at that second I got a phone call from the IVF coordinator. She cheerily told me a spot opened up for me to begin stims Jan. 21! I know this is only a difference of two weeks, but I'll take it! After that I silently thanked God for moving those initial mountains. Right at a time of sadness He lifted me out and I was reminded that there is hope - I'll be needing lots of those reminders in the coming months! As I cried out in my heart, He listened and answered.

Pushed back until February

I just got some downer news from the IVF Coordinator. Apparently the schedule for January IVFs is already full! I won't actually start stimming until Feb. 4. To say that I am bummed is an understatement. That is almost 3.5 months from now. I feel like so much can happen by then - my endo could have grown fully back. And I really, really do not want to wait that long! UGH! And February is our biggest snow/ice month - I worry about the roads being unpassable and possibly missing important appointments.

I appreciate that Doc likes to keep the IVF patient numbers small each month, I really do. But if I had known they booked up this far in advance I would have put my name down a long, long time ago.

She is going to be put me on the "wait list" for a Jan. 21 start date. She's also going to ask Doc if he will double-book appointment times. I know in the grand scheme of things it's only about a month after I thought things would get started. But still. I am going to start praying for light snow and no ice this February!

IVF here we come!

Just a quick update to say that after some thinking and praying we have decided to move forward with IVF. I feel confident that this is the right decision for us, but I am still so uncertain about all of the "what if's." IVF is not a guarantee. I read so many blogs of lovely women who have been struggling much longer than me, been through multiple IVFs, and still have nothing to show for it. That is both scary and saddening, and it is a reality I have to accept before venturing into IVF. This could work. It could also not work. But I really do feel like this is what God wants us to do next, and I want to do my best to view IVF as something positive and hopefully life-changing!

We are very fortunate and blessed to have insurance covering the vast majority of this. I realize how amazing that is, and I am grateful for that every day. I wish it was the same for all women. I am praying we will not run out of insurance coverage before we are successful.

We recently returned from an amazing family vacation! On the way back AF arrived (of course I still hope for success without treatment, but I wasn't at all surprised). I called Doc's office to let them know we were ready for IVF. I have one more month off, and then in November I will start birth control. If all goes well, retrieval and transfer should be in early to mid-January!

I am still bummed that we have to wait so long. But I am trusting that this is all part of God's plan. Both my husband and myself have September birthdays - if this cycle is successful, we would have a September baby, something I have always secretly wished and hoped for. My heart is oh so hopeful that this could be it for us - my head is warning me not to get too excited.

In other news, all of my autoimmune testing came back normal. Praise the Lord! There are still a few others I would like to get tested that Doc won't treat - so that is something we will likely do before IVF in January.

I want to thank everyone for following my journey, praying for and supporting me. All of my bloggy friends really do mean a lot to me. I know I have not been posting very much on any of your blogs. The vast majority of blogs I read are success stories now (yay!), and while I am so very thrilled for each of you, please know that my lack of posting has nothing to do with you. I am still reading and supporting you and I hope to join you on "the other side" very soon. For those still struggling like me, you are in my prayers constantly.

I may be pretty quiet on this blog for awhile, as there won't be anything new to report for some time. I find that too much infertility reading can do a negative turn on my thoughts and attitudes. So because of that, I am making a gallant effort to keep my mind and heart filled with things that are good and positive!

Consult with Doc

Hello everyone!

We finally had our consult with Doc yesterday. I am still processing my feelings on everything, so this post will probably be all over the place.

I had two pages worth of questions for him!

I asked why he thought the current protocol (Clomid + HCG Trigger + IUI) hasn’t worked? He said each cycle of this only gives you about a 10 percent chance - cumulatively 3-4 times a 20-25 percent chance. So really he just chalked it up to the statistics not being that high for it. (Then why do we even bother with this one!)

I asked about getting tested for autoimmune and alloimmune issues. I know this is a highly-debated subject in reproductive medicine, and my doctor is in the camp that really doesn't believe in it. He only believes in autoimmune issues that cause miscarriage, not infertility. But he did agree to do some blood tests for me and if the results come back positive he will treat them. Here is what I had done yesterday:

Antiphospholipid antibodies 

Anticardiolipins

Thyroid (I had this checked over a year ago, but wanted it done again)

Here is what he will not test for or treat.

Natural Killer Cells

DQ Alpha 

MTHFR (said he would test for this and treat if I had a miscarriage only)

Anti-Thyroid

The one I really wanted to get tested for is NK cells. This is also the most highly-controversial one, since the treatment for it is expensive and not really proven. We are pretty sure we are going to use a doctor in another state to write the script for us to get this blood work done, and maybe a few of the others. 

I am still on the fence about what I will do if anything comes back positive. Since my doctor will not treat NK cells, I would have to travel to another state for IVF, something I really don't want to have to do. Right now we are leaning towards getting these tests done, and if the results are borderline we will probably do IVF here. If it didn't work out, we would then look at traveling and treating these issues. However, if the results were not borderline and clearly above average we would go with the out of state doctor right off the bat.

Sounds simple when you look at it. But the truth of the matter is that my insurance will only pay for one cycle of IVF (because after that I will only have about $1,000 left of my infertility coverage). So we would have to not only come up with the money for the second IVF, but we would also have to come up with airfare and hotel for a few weeks, not to mention the time off work. I know this is what most of you have to deal with. I know how very blessed I am to have insurance coverage at all. But it is still not an ideal back-up plan.

I asked him about my endometriosis growing back. I have had more pain since the surgery then before. He said that was partly due to fertility meds that are upping the level of progesterone and estrogen in my body, which cues the endo pain. (It will probably be even worse with IVF.)

Right now we are looking at doing IVF in January - I about fell off my chair when Doc told us that was the earliest he could get us in. Apparently they book up quick, especially at the end of the year. He doesn't think that is far away at all, but to someone who has waited two years each day seems like a lifetime. We could probably get into the out of state doctor before then, but as I said before, we really want to stay here if possible.

I am still debating about whether to do an IUI with injectibles. If we do this, it would really just be giving us something to do until January. It would also use up more of my fertility coverage. I know several of you have gotten pregnant with this treatment. And I think I would feel better about doing it if I had even been pregnant one time. But I haven't. I haven't even had a chemical pregnancy. I know miscarriages are awful, and I am not wishing I could have one by any means - but this is really influencing my decision to want to move on to IVF. I just don't see how an injectible cycle would be any different for me than the Clomid cycles. I produced at least one egg each cycle that was a good size, and each time my lining was great. If we do this, it will probably be just so I can feel like I tried everything before moving on to IVF.

Needless to say, we are still grappling with the future and God's plan in all of this mess. Each day I learn a new lesson or my eyes are opened in a new way because of infertility - and I am grateful for this growth and understanding, but I am still aching inside for our baby.