I have been a very bad blogger. I don’t feel the need to apologize because I really don’t think I have that many readers anymore, seeing as most of the lovely ladies I have followed are all pregnant or parenting now! While I completely understand that lives move on, I think it’s time for me to go out and find some new bloggy friends, especially with IVF coming up in January.
Another reason I haven’t been blogging is that I haven’t had much to say about my infertility journey. I am processing through a ton of emotions, thoughts, fears, worries and doubts right now. Often a great idea for a blog post pops into my head and I have the very best intentions to write about it, but then get swept up into something else and forget about it. So here are some of the things going on in Orange Girl World lately:
- We aren’t doing anything but BC right now in preparation for IVF next month. I started it Nov. 17 and they had me take a four-day break this week since I will be on it for so very long by the time I start Lupron injections. Trusting in my medical team that I won’t be oversuppressed!
- I am still doing weekly acupuncture and loving it. I plan to continue this through IVF. I may bump it up to twice a week in January.
- I am still taking a ton of vitamins. Been on them for over a year now – I will ask Doc next month if he wants me to discontinue them during IVF.
- We decided not to get any more immune testing done before IVF. The research and results on it are so iffy and my Doc is not a huge believer. We may revisit this in the future, though.
- I am struggling a lot with fear. Fear that this IVF won’t work, or the next one or the next one. Fear that nothing will ever work. Adoption won’t come to fruition and we will be left childless. I am working on shedding this fear and giving it to God. I am constantly reading into the littlest things so worried that it’s a sign from God that we weren’t meant to have children, or that we should prepare for a life without children. I think this is such a huge fear because it is the thing I want more than anything in the world – to be a mother. But I know regardless of the outcome, it is not God’s plan for me to live my life consumed by fear. Fear is not from Him. I am praying every day for God to wipe this fear away and replace it with hope. Hope in God’s promises and His perfect plan.
- My sweet, sweet big sister, who is only 30 years old and is a breast cancer survivor went to an infertility meeting at her church in November for me. Isn’t that just about the most awesome thing a sister could do? She wanted to try to understand more about what I am going through, and she also wanted to gather information for me. Most of it was based off the individual attendees circumstances, but I did learn some interesting relaxation techniques and ways to conquer my fear problems. She also got one of the girl’s contact information who is my age and also has endometriosis, and I am wanting to reach out to her soon. The even more amazing thing about this is that my sister was able to understand her secondary infertility more and come to a better place about it. She had a complete mastectomy and hysterectomy during her cancer battle – fortunately she has two precious daughters, but she has been struggling with the fact that she can no longer conceive or give birth to any more children. I have always loved my sister dearly but I am even more grateful for her after this. She has done so many things like this for me in my life during my hard times. When she first learned I was struggling to conceive, she cried because she said if she had known sooner she would have delayed the hysterectomy for me so that she could have carried a child for us. (We wouldn’t have let her – it could have killed her.)
Through it all I am continuing to believe! Believe that we will have children, somehow, some way. And I am praying, crossing my fingers and believing with all my might that it will be in 2012 – The Best New Year Ever.
