Starting Clomid Today

Well, I am officially starting my first cycle of treatment today. I am doing Clomid+IUI+HCG injection. After the surgery I had told Doc I was up for anything, including delving right into IVF. I have heard that success rates for Endo girls are highest the first year after surgery, so I don't want to waste any time. I also had heard that IVF was the best for Endo girls. But Doc insisted he doesn't think I need to jump right to that because the endo was only in one ovary and around it, and that my anatomy was normal. We shall see. Either way, I don't think I will do too many IUI cylces before pressing for IVF. Hopefully, I won't need IVF at all, but I am trying to prepare myself for all the possibilities.

So today is CD 3 and I will take Clomid for the next 5 days. I was surprised they don't do a CD 3 ultrasound to check for cysts or anything - I am guessing it was because I was unmedicated last month, so they don't think there is a need to? I didn't ask, but I will when I go in for my first ultrasound on CD 12. They will mix the HCG injection for me and teach me how to give it to myself then. (Which I am nervous about! I know this is old hat for most of you, so just tell me everything will be fine, ha.)

Speaking of HCG injections, the nurse at Doc's office said to order it through Walgreen's mail-order pharmacy instead of picking it up directly at Walgreen's. She said it would cost $180 at Walgreen's, but mail-order would be $59. So of course I went with mail-order, but was surprised to find out my insurance is not going to cover any of it. They covered most of the cost of the Clomid. I need to call them and get to the bottom of this. I supposedly have excellent insurance, so I am not sure why it was denied. Did this happen to anyone else who has good insurance coverage? (I have BCBS - Illinois. I also have $20,000 of infertility coverage that I haven't touched yet, but that is for actual treatment and not meds.)

I know I should not be complaining about $59 as most ladies have to pay for all of their fertility treatment and meds. I just want to know what to expect for future treatments if we have to go down that road.

It's a New Day

I apologize for my grumpy post last week. I am going to bring up all of my concerns with my RE at my next appointment, which should be soon since I am not pregnant. Hopefully he will be able to help me figure out why everything seems to be the same still. I also want to ask him about LUFS, because I am concerned about having that as well since my good ovary was completely smooth in my surgery pics (Or appeared to be, I am not sure what a normal, ovulating ovary should look like). So, here is my list of questions for doc:

1. LUFS - one smooth ovary, could I not even be ovulating from it?
2. Slow transition from LH surge to ovulation and luteal phase - I don't ovulate until CD 17-20 normally, and after a positive OPK my temp slowly, just barely rises for 2-4 days, and then "jumps" several days later. Weird. Don't know what it is. But I know it's not good.
3. Cramping during O and during 2ww
4. Short luteal phase - 10-12 days with spotting
5. Spotting after cycle

 Sometimes I wonder if I really have a strong chance with all of those issues. Sigh. My doc suggested IUI with clomid for our first treatment cycle, but I'm not entirely sold. I have heard clomid is bad for endo girls, but he is supposedly an endo expert, so who knows? Since I have such a slow transition, I am also wondering if a trigger shot would help me?

Unrelated to fertility, we had a great weekend at the lake, and we have a really fun, long weekend planned with friends and just the two of us coming up!

Grumpy

This is going to be a grumpy post because I am grumpy. I am grumpy because this surgery was supposed to get rid of my endo and help me become a regular, fertile girl. But I feel like nothing has changed. I have had two cycles since the surgery, and both have been exactly the same as always.

• Crampy during ovulation
• Crampy during the 2ww
• A 2ww that is not really two weeks - last month my luteal phase was only 12 days, and that was with two days of spotting, this month I am using progesterone suppositories so it won't start until I stop them, but today is 10 dpo and I have been crampy the last 3 days. UGH!
• A super slow transition from LH surge to ovulation

For anyone who does not suffer with endo, these are telltale signs of endo (also fibroids, which I have one, but it is super small and not near my uterine cavity). Why, oh why, did I go through that danged surgery IF EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME?!?!

I am sure my grumpiness is jumping right off the page. But friends, I went through surgery and was out almost $1500 to fix this dang problem! And I understand it takes time to heal, but it has been two months, and nothing! I was expecting to see some very small changes, and it has been discouraging to see that every thing is the same. Was everything I went through a waste? Is the endo back? Or was it never really removed? Endo girls, please advise.

I spent a lot of time in prayer this month. Praying for this cycle, for my husband and me, for our peace, guidance and comfort. I am feeling more lost than I did before the surgery though. I felt like getting the endo diagnosis and having the surgery was an answer to my infertility struggles - I wasn't expecting to become pregnant right away, but I was hoping for things to be better. And they just aren't. At least not in the fertility realm. Sigh.

The end of my grumpy post.

Back to Reality

We are back from a really wonderful trip. We spent a marvelous week in Southern California, and it was so nice to be away from fertility stuff and just focus on each other for awhile. We ate a lot of great food, saw some great sights and most importantly, soaked up some Disneyland fun! We are huge Disney fans and really loved the parks and hope to return in five years with our own children.

This was our hotel. There was a private entrance to Disney's California Adventure theme park which was awesome! We really enjoyed the restaurants and pool area here, and our room had an amazing view of a courtyard and Downtown Disney.

I came back to the room after our first day in the parks with this lovely surprise. (We were celebrating our anniversary.)

 Fun on the teacups, with the Matterhorn in the background.

 Space Mountain was a blast!

 Small World - never gets old.

Gettin' wet on Splash Mountain!

As you can see from the photos, this is definitely a place where you can lose yourself. Reality is far away in this happy place. Now that I am home, I find myself refreshed and prepared once again to face the challenges of infertility with God at my side.

Right before we left we were having lunch with my husband's parents. His older brother and his wife have been struggling with infertility for years. Father in law was telling us that they are considering adoption, and that he and mother in law would be helping with the cost if they decided to go this route. This immediately piqued my interest, as adoption is something we have always considered, even if we do carry our own children.

I asked him if they would be willing to do the same for us. Remember, they have absolutely NO CLUE about our struggles. His response? "You two are going to be just like your mother and me. You won't have any problems at all. You will just drink out of the same glass and become pregnant."

What do you say to that? Obviously I couldn't be upset with them, since they really have no idea of what we are going through. On the other hand, that did sting. How I wish that were true. 

And that is the reality we have come home to. My God is a God of answered prayers and miracles. I have faith He will answer our prayer in His way, in His time. This is our last natural cycle before we start any fertility drugs. I am lifting this cycle up in prayer to Him.

While Orange Girl's Away, Bloggers Will Play

It's been awhile since I've updated. Hello to all my new followers! I have been out of town visiting family for the Memorial Day holiday. Mr. Orange and I are headed out of town in just a few days for a week at DISNEYLAND! So I will update when we return.

The Elusive Mother's Club

Sometimes I get to a good place with the big IF. I am rolling along all fat and happy, content with where I am, excited about the future, full of hope that my gift from God is on the horizon. Other times, the pain and reality of it all hits me in the face like a giant wave, and I realize I am not sure of myself at all. The fear of remaining childless forever is huge for me, and I have to give that back to God constantly.

Case in point – friendships. The idea for this blog came to me from another blog I recently read about friends pulling away from you after they have kids, and you don’t.

In case you are not aware, our struggle has been very, very private. The only people besides us we have told are my parents and sister – no friends and no family on the husband’s side have a clue.

We moved to the area we live in now from almost halfway across the country. Husband is from the state, so he already had family and a few friends living in the area. I, however, did not know A SOUL when we moved here. I am fine with that. I have always been able to do things by myself, and make new friends pretty easily. I have moved all over the country for college, and then afterwards for different jobs, so this was a piece of cake for me.

Or so I thought. This has been the first time I have really struggled finding friends in a new place. We have been here about 20 months. I have made a few friends at church/work, but nobody I hang with outside of those places. I am in a part of the country where EVERYONE under 30 has kids. If you do not have kids and you are married, there is something wrong with you. (Definitely not what I believe, but it seems to be the general consensus around here.)

As I mentioned before, the husband had some good friends living here already from college/high school days. We bonded with these two guys and their wives immediately, and have since hung out a lot. We go over to each other’s houses, the girls do lunch often, go to movies, shopping, go on vacation together, typical friend stuff. One of the girls is from the area so already has a group of friends that is separate from our group, which is great for her! However, the other girl is not from the area and was so excited when we moved. I remember her telling me on our third night here that she was so glad I had moved here, because she would finally have a friend! I was so happy!

I am sure you already know what happens in this story. She gets pregnant and has a baby girl. (Which was a wonderful blessing for her. She also has Endometriosis and struggled to get pregnant.) After a few months of daycare, she has a group of brand new friends that all have baby girls the same age as hers. I was a little bummed at first when her calendar quickly got filled up with play dates and outings with these moms, but I wasn’t too worried because I knew I would soon be joining those ranks. Haha, Orange Girl. Months went by and she got more and more involved with the mommies, or, as I like to call them, The Elusive Mother’s Club.

I understand that mom’s want to hang out with other mom’s, I really do. It is nice to have people to talk to about your kids, what they are doing, and to have the kids entertain each other. I may not have a baby, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to hang out with girlfriends and talk about babies! I know they talk about other things as well. I feel like I have become a second-class friend to this girl, and The Elusive Mother’s Club friends have taken the top spot.

I promise there is an end to this incredibly long story. Bear with me!

So two weeks ago my friend is out of town for business and baby girl gets sick and can’t go to daycare. I have every other Friday off, so she and her husband beg me to babysit and I gladly accept, because that is what friends are for. Keep in mind I gave up my entire day off to watch her, getting up at 6 a.m. and staying until 7 p.m. I also ended up getting sick from sweet baby.

The husband thanked me when he got home and quickly shuffled me out the door. Friend says nothing after the initial contact. She promised, “Hey, let’s get together when I get back! I want to take you out to thank you for watching my daughter!” I happily agree, what a fun time with friends! Nothing is said about this. It has been almost three weeks now, and no mention has been made.

The first weekend she is back she posts on Facebook that she is so excited about girls night tonight. Obviously this is not with me. I am a little crushed that The Elusive Mother’s Club comes before thanking your friend who just watched your child for free for 10 hours! I would have even loved an invite to tag along so I can make more friends. I am assuming they must be more fun than me now, because naturally, they have babies and I don’t. It sucks.

What sucks even worse is that husband took me to see Bridesmaids that same night. (Yes, I have an amazing husband.) While we were waiting in line to buy tickets, who should be in front of us but said friend and The Elusive Mother’s Club? Yep, that’s right friends. The movie ended up being sold out, so we had to go to another theatre to see it. After we got in the car, I literally burst into tears and sobbed for almost 20 minutes. I haven’t cried that hard about IF in a long, long time.

I think it was a lot of things. The fact that I so badly want to be in that club, but can’t quite make the cut. The fact that I am good enough to watch someone’s kid for free on my day off, but not good enough to get invited to see a movie. The fact that almost every other girl was there to see the same movie – except they were all there with a group of girlfriends. I am so, so grateful for my wonderful husband. He is the best friend I have ever had. But I miss having girlfriends, and I feel like one I could have really connected with has already moved on to a new group of friends. A cooler, better group of friends.

The Elusive Mother’s Club.

Post-Op Appointment

Today was my post-op appointment with Doc. It went well. He has a resident that attended the surgery that I got to meet for the first time today; she was nice. 

He showed me a lot of pictures from the surgery. It was insane to see how much larger my left ovary was than my right ovary, due to the cysts. After they completed the surgery, it was back down to a much more normal size, although still a tad larger. I also saw a photo of the one other spot he found endometriosis, on the back side of the left ovary where it had been attached to the pelvic wall. (The other ovary was attached to the wall as well, but there was no endo there.)

It's interesting that all the cysts and problems were with the left ovary. I have always had pain there. Two and a half years ago I had a ruptured cyst in that same ovary - WORST PAIN EVER. So I know I am prone to having them there, and most likely will get them again in the future. I can just pray and hope we can conceive before anything returns.

I mentioned to Doc that I had been having very painful cramps intermittently since the surgery. I told him I thought this was supposed to relieve my cramping, and I am worried everything has already grown back. He said that was unlikely, but did not offer an explanation of why I might be having the cramping. He did tell me to come in on my next CD 3 for an ultrasound so he can look for any growth. Praying it is nothing but healing cramps!

Speaking about my next cycle, I was supposed to start a few days after the surgery and never did. Doc also said this was normal because of the surgery and because of me being on birth control last month. He said I should be in a cycle right now, and that if I don't have a period in three weeks to call him.

Doc said that although my endo was more severe (stage 3) that everything else was perfect. Fallopian tubes, uterus, everything in the right place, open and clear of any obstruction or endo. Normally he recommends that endo patients go right into treatment, but he said we could try on our own for 3-6 months because of my age and the above factors, and because we have no male factor issue.

I said we would try one more month on our own - but that I am ready to move forward with treatment after that. I said we would do whatever he recommended for me, even IVF if he thought we should go straight to that. He said he wants to start off with Clomid+IUI.

So here is where I am at:

• No trying this month - come in on my next CD 3 for an ultrasound just to check for cysts.
• Trying on our own for one month this summer, which should be good since we have a lot planned in May/June.
• If we are unsuccessful, we will do Clomid+IUI sometime in late June/early July. 

I am feeling at peace about all of this right now. Of course, we would love to be successful on our own, but I also feel confident about the doctor's plan. (Naturally, it also needs to be God's plan for our dreams to come true, and that is something that is still unknown.)

The road of infertility is scary. I know we could either be coming to the end of our journey, or just beginning it. The unknown is a frightening thing - but my God tells me I do not need to fear, He is with me!

I will probably be taking a break from blogging, because I am sure nobody wants to read about my vacations, or forays into knitting and quilting. I will pick back up soon, though! I am still going to read along on others journeys and try to keep up my commenting.

Have a great summer!

P.S. If anyone has to do this surgery in the future - do not be afraid. It really was not that bad. I am pretty much completely back to normal, and have been for a few days. If you find yourself having to do it and would like to ask me questions about it, just post a comment and I will be happy to talk about it!