Day 5 Update

Thanks for all the encouragement on my last post! The injections weren't bad at all, and everything has been going smoothly since then. I was having Husband give them to me but found that it is easier for me to do them myself - he gets all the shots set up each night, I give them and then he cleans up. Works out well!

My first two monitoring appointments have been really good. They have been telling me my estrogen levels are great, and I haven't asked for the numbers because I know I will just Google the heck out of it. I had my first ultrasound after stims today, and I am so happy to say that Doc counted at least 11 follicles measuring between 8-12 mm! I was praying so hard for more than 10 at this appointment. Some other good news is that the endometrioma hasn't grown or taken any of the stims, and Doc also said it was probably hiding 1-2 follicles that he couldn't count. My lining was already tri-linear and 8 mm thick.

I have no idea if that is a good number or size for follicles on Day 5, but Doc seemed pleased and is keeping me on the same dosage. He said we are looking to be on target for retrieval on Jan. 31, but he should have a better idea at our next appointment. Until then I'm just resting, doing acupuncture and trying to be stress-free and just enjoy this crazy ride!

Suppression Check = Pass!

Everything looked good at our baseline ultrasound today! Doc's ultrasound machine wasn't working at it's best today, but he was still able to count 10 antral follicles! I am pleased with this because not only is it two more than my check two weeks ago, but there are most likely more that he didn't see because the machine was really acting up.

Unfortunately he was still able to see the endometrioma on my left ovary. It is either two moma's between 1-2 cm or one moma between 2-3 cm. He said it was probably just the one because they were so close together. Sigh. I will admit I prayed and hoped for a miracle - but my E2 was nice and low (35) so Doc doesn't think they will interfere with the IVF and we were given the green light to start stims on Saturday!

We are so excited and also scared. We have been on cloud 9 lately feeling like we are closer to our dream than ever before. Husband said that after we got off the phone today (I called him to let him know we were good to go) that a feeling of complete euphoria and confidence washed over him. I am hoping that was directly from God. I am leaning on his positiveness so much - I am feeling good, but I also understand the reality of it not working.

We had to do all of our infectious disease testing after our appointment today. Five vials of blood for each of us = not fun! I am hoping the stims won't be that bad. I anticipate each shot so much and then it is never as bad as I think it will be. Nevertheless, I am getting a little antsy about the new shots. So throw any encouragement you have my way! We will be starting with 375 IU of Follistim, 75 IU of Menopur and 5 ml of Lupron each night.

Feelings, oh feelings!

Things have been all over the place for me lately with emotions - and I haven't even started stims yet! We started lupron injections a few nights ago and they have been going pretty well so far. Husband has been a rock star prepping everything and giving them to me. I plan to do a post on his awesomeness later.

In my reading of IVF blogs, one common theme seems to be the constant shift in feelings. One day you are overcome with peace and confidence - you know this is going to work, this is finally your time! The next day you hit the wall of worry and anxiety. What if it doesn't work? How will you go on? What will you do next? Commence tons of Google searches that don't help with any of the worry. 

Following that you hit the wall of utter despair. This will never work, it's not going to work, I can just feel it. Why am I wasting my money and time on this? Cue tears and gnashing of teeth. Then start all over again.

As I roll through this wave of emotions, I am trying to keep focused on God. I don't know what His plan is for this cycle, and there is no amount of ANYTHING I can do to find out before it's time. All I can do is pray and put everything in His hands and the capable care of my medical team. Praying, praying, praying every day that this IVF cycle will bring us the joy of a baby or babies! Our hearts have been hurting for so long.

We are so excited about this IVF cycle. This is the best we have felt about any of our treatments thus far. And I know feelings don't mean anything - but having the good ones is sure nice. We have even gone so far as to start talking about our future with our baby or babies, something we haven't done in a long time. We keep saying, "After the babies get here" and "Once we have the baby." I know this is dangerous, but this may be the closest we ever get to pregnancy and I want to enjoy it!

Mock Transfer

We had our mock transfer this week. It went well, despite the intense discomfort from having such a full bladder. Note to self - do not drink so much for the actual transfer! I have had quite a few full bladder procedures and each time I overdrink and it is not fun.

We did have some not-so-good news as well that I am still processing. Doc was supposed to do an SHG after the mock transfer, but since I had a hysteroscopy 8 months ago and an HSG a year ago, both of which were normal, he didn't think it was necessary. But we did do an ultrasound to measure antral follicles.

Righty, which is my good ovary, had only five antral follicles. Lefty had three and an unwanted visitor. Yes, that's right, folks. My endo is already growing back. I had a small, 2 cm endometrioma growing inside lefty.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I know endo grows back, there is no getting rid of it. I have had persistent cysts on that ovary for years. I guess I was being delusional hoping that it would be different for me and nothing would have grown back yet. I really wanted clear ovaries for this IVF. Doc said he thought it would be fine and doesn't see a need to do anything about it right now. He is of the camp that only does laparoscopy for diagnostic purposes if you are TTC because it can hurt your egg supply. So I'm going with that! Praying it won't harm our outcome.

Now for the other downer - I only had an AFC of 8. That really sucks. That is the lowest I have ever had. I normally average around 12 or 13. I have had anything between 9-16 in the past year. I was immediately silent after he finished counting and when we got dressed and sat down in his office I about lost it. 

I asked him if we should just cancel the cycle because it looks like at the most I could only get 8 eggs. He looked at me like I was crazy and reassured me that my AFC was low because I have been on active birth control, no AF, for two months now. He also told me that just because he only sees 8 now doesn't mean we will have 8. We could have way more, we could have less. He was confident that this would work for us and gave us a 50-60 percent chance.

That did make me feel much better, and after googling my brains out it seems that this is correct. Any of you have experience with low AFC or stimming with endometriomas? BTW, this was not my baseline ultrasound before starting stims. That isn't for another two weeks.

Implement vs. Implant

Infertility is invading every part of my life - it has now officially crept into my mind so much that I am speaking the lingo at work.

I sent a paper I wrote to one of my colleagues for review today. In it, I used the word implant instead of implement. Yup. You read that right. I gave a great description of how a group at our company will soon be implanting a new system. Oh. Dear. Lord.

Thankfully he caught it before I sent it on to an even larger group of people. But still - I am officially losing my mind. :)

Dreaming Pregnant

I have never, ever dreamed about being pregnant or having children. All of my dreams consist of people that already exist. I have dreamed about infertility, failed cycles, sadness, etc.

For the first time last night I had a dream about being pregnant. I don't remember a lot of details, just that I found out after my IVF that it had worked. The feeling I had in the dream was incredible. So much peace and just pure joy. I remember telling Husband and the two of us just being ecstatic.

Merry Christmas and The Best New Year Ever

I have been a very bad blogger. I don’t feel the need to apologize because I really don’t think I have that many readers anymore, seeing as most of the lovely ladies I have followed are all pregnant or parenting now! While I completely understand that lives move on, I think it’s time for me to go out and find some new bloggy friends, especially with IVF coming up in January.

Another reason I haven’t been blogging is that I haven’t had much to say about my infertility journey. I am processing through a ton of emotions, thoughts, fears, worries and doubts right now. Often a great idea for a blog post pops into my head and I have the very best intentions to write about it, but then get swept up into something else and forget about it. So here are some of the things going on in Orange Girl World lately:

• We aren’t doing anything but BC right now in preparation for IVF next month. I started it Nov. 17 and they had me take a four-day break this week since I will be on it for so very long by the time I start Lupron injections. Trusting in my medical team that I won’t be oversuppressed! 
• I am still doing weekly acupuncture and loving it. I plan to continue this through IVF. I may bump it up to twice a week in January. 
• I am still taking a ton of vitamins. Been on them for over a year now – I will ask Doc next month if he wants me to discontinue them during IVF. 
• We decided not to get any more immune testing done before IVF. The research and results on it are so iffy and my Doc is not a huge believer. We may revisit this in the future, though. 
• I am struggling a lot with fear. Fear that this IVF won’t work, or the next one or the next one. Fear that nothing will ever work. Adoption won’t come to fruition and we will be left childless. I am working on shedding this fear and giving it to God. I am constantly reading into the littlest things so worried that it’s a sign from God that we weren’t meant to have children, or that we should prepare for a life without children. I think this is such a huge fear because it is the thing I want more than anything in the world – to be a mother. But I know regardless of the outcome, it is not God’s plan for me to live my life consumed by fear. Fear is not from Him. I am praying every day for God to wipe this fear away and replace it with hope. Hope in God’s promises and His perfect plan. 
• My sweet, sweet big sister, who is only 30 years old and is a breast cancer survivor went to an infertility meeting at her church in November for me. Isn’t that just about the most awesome thing a sister could do? She wanted to try to understand more about what I am going through, and she also wanted to gather information for me. Most of it was based off the individual attendees circumstances, but I did learn some interesting relaxation techniques and ways to conquer my fear problems. She also got one of the girl’s contact information who is my age and also has endometriosis, and I am wanting to reach out to her soon. The even more amazing thing about this is that my sister was able to understand her secondary infertility more and come to a better place about it. She had a complete mastectomy and hysterectomy during her cancer battle – fortunately she has two precious daughters, but she has been struggling with the fact that she can no longer conceive or give birth to any more children. I have always loved my sister dearly but I am even more grateful for her after this. She has done so many things like this for me in my life during my hard times. When she first learned I was struggling to conceive, she cried because she said if she had known sooner she would have delayed the hysterectomy for me so that she could have carried a child for us. (We wouldn’t have let her – it could have killed her.)

Through it all I am continuing to believe! Believe that we will have children, somehow, some way. And I am praying, crossing my fingers and believing with all my might that it will be in 2012 – The Best New Year Ever.