The Elusive Mother's Club

Sometimes I get to a good place with the big IF. I am rolling along all fat and happy, content with where I am, excited about the future, full of hope that my gift from God is on the horizon. Other times, the pain and reality of it all hits me in the face like a giant wave, and I realize I am not sure of myself at all. The fear of remaining childless forever is huge for me, and I have to give that back to God constantly.

Case in point – friendships. The idea for this blog came to me from another blog I recently read about friends pulling away from you after they have kids, and you don’t.

In case you are not aware, our struggle has been very, very private. The only people besides us we have told are my parents and sister – no friends and no family on the husband’s side have a clue.

We moved to the area we live in now from almost halfway across the country. Husband is from the state, so he already had family and a few friends living in the area. I, however, did not know A SOUL when we moved here. I am fine with that. I have always been able to do things by myself, and make new friends pretty easily. I have moved all over the country for college, and then afterwards for different jobs, so this was a piece of cake for me.

Or so I thought. This has been the first time I have really struggled finding friends in a new place. We have been here about 20 months. I have made a few friends at church/work, but nobody I hang with outside of those places. I am in a part of the country where EVERYONE under 30 has kids. If you do not have kids and you are married, there is something wrong with you. (Definitely not what I believe, but it seems to be the general consensus around here.)

As I mentioned before, the husband had some good friends living here already from college/high school days. We bonded with these two guys and their wives immediately, and have since hung out a lot. We go over to each other’s houses, the girls do lunch often, go to movies, shopping, go on vacation together, typical friend stuff. One of the girls is from the area so already has a group of friends that is separate from our group, which is great for her! However, the other girl is not from the area and was so excited when we moved. I remember her telling me on our third night here that she was so glad I had moved here, because she would finally have a friend! I was so happy!

I am sure you already know what happens in this story. She gets pregnant and has a baby girl. (Which was a wonderful blessing for her. She also has Endometriosis and struggled to get pregnant.) After a few months of daycare, she has a group of brand new friends that all have baby girls the same age as hers. I was a little bummed at first when her calendar quickly got filled up with play dates and outings with these moms, but I wasn’t too worried because I knew I would soon be joining those ranks. Haha, Orange Girl. Months went by and she got more and more involved with the mommies, or, as I like to call them, The Elusive Mother’s Club.

I understand that mom’s want to hang out with other mom’s, I really do. It is nice to have people to talk to about your kids, what they are doing, and to have the kids entertain each other. I may not have a baby, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to hang out with girlfriends and talk about babies! I know they talk about other things as well. I feel like I have become a second-class friend to this girl, and The Elusive Mother’s Club friends have taken the top spot.

I promise there is an end to this incredibly long story. Bear with me!

So two weeks ago my friend is out of town for business and baby girl gets sick and can’t go to daycare. I have every other Friday off, so she and her husband beg me to babysit and I gladly accept, because that is what friends are for. Keep in mind I gave up my entire day off to watch her, getting up at 6 a.m. and staying until 7 p.m. I also ended up getting sick from sweet baby.

The husband thanked me when he got home and quickly shuffled me out the door. Friend says nothing after the initial contact. She promised, “Hey, let’s get together when I get back! I want to take you out to thank you for watching my daughter!” I happily agree, what a fun time with friends! Nothing is said about this. It has been almost three weeks now, and no mention has been made.

The first weekend she is back she posts on Facebook that she is so excited about girls night tonight. Obviously this is not with me. I am a little crushed that The Elusive Mother’s Club comes before thanking your friend who just watched your child for free for 10 hours! I would have even loved an invite to tag along so I can make more friends. I am assuming they must be more fun than me now, because naturally, they have babies and I don’t. It sucks.

What sucks even worse is that husband took me to see Bridesmaids that same night. (Yes, I have an amazing husband.) While we were waiting in line to buy tickets, who should be in front of us but said friend and The Elusive Mother’s Club? Yep, that’s right friends. The movie ended up being sold out, so we had to go to another theatre to see it. After we got in the car, I literally burst into tears and sobbed for almost 20 minutes. I haven’t cried that hard about IF in a long, long time.

I think it was a lot of things. The fact that I so badly want to be in that club, but can’t quite make the cut. The fact that I am good enough to watch someone’s kid for free on my day off, but not good enough to get invited to see a movie. The fact that almost every other girl was there to see the same movie – except they were all there with a group of girlfriends. I am so, so grateful for my wonderful husband. He is the best friend I have ever had. But I miss having girlfriends, and I feel like one I could have really connected with has already moved on to a new group of friends. A cooler, better group of friends.

The Elusive Mother’s Club.

Post-Op Appointment

Today was my post-op appointment with Doc. It went well. He has a resident that attended the surgery that I got to meet for the first time today; she was nice. 

He showed me a lot of pictures from the surgery. It was insane to see how much larger my left ovary was than my right ovary, due to the cysts. After they completed the surgery, it was back down to a much more normal size, although still a tad larger. I also saw a photo of the one other spot he found endometriosis, on the back side of the left ovary where it had been attached to the pelvic wall. (The other ovary was attached to the wall as well, but there was no endo there.)

It's interesting that all the cysts and problems were with the left ovary. I have always had pain there. Two and a half years ago I had a ruptured cyst in that same ovary - WORST PAIN EVER. So I know I am prone to having them there, and most likely will get them again in the future. I can just pray and hope we can conceive before anything returns.

I mentioned to Doc that I had been having very painful cramps intermittently since the surgery. I told him I thought this was supposed to relieve my cramping, and I am worried everything has already grown back. He said that was unlikely, but did not offer an explanation of why I might be having the cramping. He did tell me to come in on my next CD 3 for an ultrasound so he can look for any growth. Praying it is nothing but healing cramps!

Speaking about my next cycle, I was supposed to start a few days after the surgery and never did. Doc also said this was normal because of the surgery and because of me being on birth control last month. He said I should be in a cycle right now, and that if I don't have a period in three weeks to call him.

Doc said that although my endo was more severe (stage 3) that everything else was perfect. Fallopian tubes, uterus, everything in the right place, open and clear of any obstruction or endo. Normally he recommends that endo patients go right into treatment, but he said we could try on our own for 3-6 months because of my age and the above factors, and because we have no male factor issue.

I said we would try one more month on our own - but that I am ready to move forward with treatment after that. I said we would do whatever he recommended for me, even IVF if he thought we should go straight to that. He said he wants to start off with Clomid+IUI.

So here is where I am at:

• No trying this month - come in on my next CD 3 for an ultrasound just to check for cysts.
• Trying on our own for one month this summer, which should be good since we have a lot planned in May/June.
• If we are unsuccessful, we will do Clomid+IUI sometime in late June/early July. 

I am feeling at peace about all of this right now. Of course, we would love to be successful on our own, but I also feel confident about the doctor's plan. (Naturally, it also needs to be God's plan for our dreams to come true, and that is something that is still unknown.)

The road of infertility is scary. I know we could either be coming to the end of our journey, or just beginning it. The unknown is a frightening thing - but my God tells me I do not need to fear, He is with me!

I will probably be taking a break from blogging, because I am sure nobody wants to read about my vacations, or forays into knitting and quilting. I will pick back up soon, though! I am still going to read along on others journeys and try to keep up my commenting.

Have a great summer!

P.S. If anyone has to do this surgery in the future - do not be afraid. It really was not that bad. I am pretty much completely back to normal, and have been for a few days. If you find yourself having to do it and would like to ask me questions about it, just post a comment and I will be happy to talk about it!

Much Better Day

Day 3 of recovery has been the best so far! Thanks everyone for your nice comments and prayers, it really means a lot.

First two days were rough - it hurt quite a bit to get in and out of the bed and on and off the couch. I slept restlessly and couldn't get comfortable. The only position that didn't hurt was flat on my back, and that quickly got old.

But today has been so much better! I am slowly weaning myself off the Percocet and onto Ibuprofen instead. I can get up and down so much easier, and walking around has gotten better as well. The only thing that is still troubling is using the restroom - but the nurses told me this would be the last function to return to normal. Fortunately I am taking tomorrow off work as well, so hopefully I will be fully functioning for work on Tuesday. 

I am still bummed that we have to wait so long to start trying again. I was really hoping we could try again right away. I understand Doc wanting to give my body time to heal, but it was a bit of a let down nonetheless. I am going to try to stay busy during the next two months to take my mind off of it. 

• We are going to California for a week in June to celebrate our second wedding anniversary, so I am going to throw myself into planning that.
• I have a ton of great reading I can catch up on, and I can always use more time spent in prayer and God's Word.
• I have taken up knitting and quilting lately. There are a few beginner classes I want to take in May and June, and my mom is sending me one of her sewing machines for the quilting. I am really excited about it! (I know, sounds very old ladyish, but I promise it is super fun!)
• After Doc gives me the okay, I am ready to hit the gym hardcore at least 3-4 times a week.
• Spend lots of weekends at the pool and the lake!

So you can expect my blog to not say much about fertility stuff for the next two months - but I will still give other updates, so stay tuned!

It's Over

Surgery was not nearly as bad as I anticipated. I was still nervous going in, but sent up a ton of prayers to God to calm them, bless our doctors/nurses and it worked!

I was in a lot of pain afterwards. I still have discomfort when getting up/down from the couch and bed and walking. Thank goodness I am not having the carbon dioxide pain that so many experience. What I do have is annoying, but bearable. Let's hope it stays that way!

Doc found three cysts in or around my left ovary and removed them all. Both my ovaries were stuck to the pelvic wall, so he freed them. He also found endometriosis spots on the left side right behind the ovary. Other than that, everything was good. No blocks or spots in the tubes or in the uterus. The fibroid was so small (13 mm) he did not think it was worth it to remove it.

Right now Doc says it is Stage III - but he has some tests to run before knowing for sure. This is because there was so much damage around the ovaries! I am so grateful to God that he was able to remove everything while still keeping my ovary intact. He wants us to take 1-2 months off to give my body time to heal. Then he wants to start treatment right away, since I have a more advanced case. He doesn't recommend IVF for me now, so it will probably be an IUI. I'll have my post op in two weeks and will know more then!

Although I am not thrilled I have endometriosis, I am not all surprised. It feels so good to have a reason for our infertility, and I am resting in God's promises and faith in Him that this surgery will lead to our little oranges!

More later. Thank you all for your prayers!

Lappity Lap

Had my pre-op appointment with Doc yesterday. It went well - the nurse really allayed some of my fears. Don't get me wrong, I am still nervous, especially when I think about what is going to be happening to me while I am asleep! But I just need to keep in mind two things:

1. I will be asleep during all of these terrible things, and will therefore have NO CLUE they are happening while they are happening. 
2. And this is really first - God is with me!

The best news of all is that I do NOT have to do bowel prep! The nurse thought it was so funny that I had completely prepared myself for it - I am still going to have a light diet today and tomorrow that consists of easy to digest foods though, just to make it easier on myself after surgery. Doc came in after the nurse and reassured me that he is a pro at this surgery - says he does it at least every other week and he has done hundreds of them. So that certainly is helping me to feel better about recovery. He also reiterated again that he was glad I had decided to do the surgery, and that he feels it is the best choice for me at this point. Sometime in May we will have a post-op appointment to review the surgery/photos and go over next steps.

I know I don't have many readers - but if you could please send up a prayer for me on Friday morning it would be lovely! Just that everything goes well, my recovery is easy and most importantly that Doc is able to safely remove anything that could be preventing pregnancy.

I will post again after surgery!

Hangin' Out

Not much to report on in the realm of fertility world. We are just biding our time until surgery on the 29th. I am still nervous about it, but keeping a level-head through prayer, faith and low-stress. I just need to keep telling myself that this is a very routine surgery! Additionally, it will give us some answers. We already know that whatever is in there has been causing our problems, but it will be so good to know how severe the damage is and I am praying Doc will be able to clean out all the problem areas so we can conceive - whether on our own or with help!

This weekend we are starting on our garden project. We were supposed to have family come visit next weekend, but that is looking as if it will be canceled due to my Mom being sick. Have a great weekend blog world!

Surgery

As for a real update, I went in for a CD 2 ultrasound and Doc is pretty sure I have not only an endometrioma on/in my left ovary, but I also seem to have a dermoid cyst. (Grossest thing I have ever googled.) He is fairly confident I have some level of endometriosis, due to my painful periods and long bouts of spotting prior to AF. So I am scheduled for a laparoscopic surgery on April 29.

I am totally freaked out about surgery. The whole thing is making me nervous, but I am glad to be doing it. If you read this and have had this surgery or know anyone who has had it, please let me know your thoughts on it. I am particularly interested to hear recovery time. Doc says I should be back to work on Monday (surgery is Friday), but I went ahead and scheduled a day off for Monday to be on the safe side.

So this is a month off for us. I am actually taking birth control to keep my ovaries from growing large follicles that could make the surgery difficult for Doc. Depending on the stage of the endo, we may have to take time off after surgery as well. I am praying the damage is not severe, and that we can begin treatment after successful removal!