My biggest fear for a long time has been that I won't ever be able to get pregnant. Long before we started trying to conceive I had these nagging thoughts that we were going to have problems - a lot of women in my family had had problems, and several of them were never successful. (They went on to be blessed by adoption.) I worried from a young age this would happen to me as well. That because I wanted it so badly that it would be something denied me, or a test that God would put me through.
And now I am right where I never wanted to be. Desperately trying to have a baby for almost two years. I have been praying for a long time that I would give this desire up if God has other plans for me - whether it be adoption or remaining childless. I have asked Him to take away the desire if it's not His will for my life. But the desire is still there, and stronger than ever. Nor do I feel ready to quit or give up on having my own biological child. I don't know if these are my own selfish wants taking over God's plan, or if He wants me to keep trying, or if He really isn't that concerned with whether anyone has children or not. As you can see, I am wrestling a lot with why God has me on this journey and what are the lessons here.
I have seen so many people become pregnant lately - some without trying at all, more after months to years of struggle. And while I am genuinely happy for everyone, I can't shake the sadness and grief that each new pregnancy announcement brings me. It is a reminder of what I don't have, and what I am fearful I will never have. The thought of having to live my life with this constant weight of sadness every time I see other people with their families - well my friends, that is a hard thought to swallow. I don't think that heartache is something that would ever go away for me.
If it makes you feel any better I had these exact same thoughts and feelings that you are having right now. I always knew I'd have trouble and often wondered if we would ever conceive. Don't give up hope and keep hanging in there!!!! Sending you big hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks, that does make me feel better.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading your posts backwards so I just saw this one. I feel like I could have written it myself! I had those nagging thoughts too before I got married and the fear that it may never happen is never far from my mind. But the hope that somehow it WILL happen in SOME way always seems to re-service even after hellish weeks and more no's. The hardest part is not knowing; not being able to have closure. Fearing that this weight will become permanent. It's just a battle. But I believe God will redeem these hard years. I read Joel 2 this morning and it encouraged me that He will bring good from these hard years. If not on earth than certainly in heaven! Hang in there.
ReplyDelete