IVF here we come!

Just a quick update to say that after some thinking and praying we have decided to move forward with IVF. I feel confident that this is the right decision for us, but I am still so uncertain about all of the "what if's." IVF is not a guarantee. I read so many blogs of lovely women who have been struggling much longer than me, been through multiple IVFs, and still have nothing to show for it. That is both scary and saddening, and it is a reality I have to accept before venturing into IVF. This could work. It could also not work. But I really do feel like this is what God wants us to do next, and I want to do my best to view IVF as something positive and hopefully life-changing!

We are very fortunate and blessed to have insurance covering the vast majority of this. I realize how amazing that is, and I am grateful for that every day. I wish it was the same for all women. I am praying we will not run out of insurance coverage before we are successful.

We recently returned from an amazing family vacation! On the way back AF arrived (of course I still hope for success without treatment, but I wasn't at all surprised). I called Doc's office to let them know we were ready for IVF. I have one more month off, and then in November I will start birth control. If all goes well, retrieval and transfer should be in early to mid-January!

I am still bummed that we have to wait so long. But I am trusting that this is all part of God's plan. Both my husband and myself have September birthdays - if this cycle is successful, we would have a September baby, something I have always secretly wished and hoped for. My heart is oh so hopeful that this could be it for us - my head is warning me not to get too excited.

In other news, all of my autoimmune testing came back normal. Praise the Lord! There are still a few others I would like to get tested that Doc won't treat - so that is something we will likely do before IVF in January.

I want to thank everyone for following my journey, praying for and supporting me. All of my bloggy friends really do mean a lot to me. I know I have not been posting very much on any of your blogs. The vast majority of blogs I read are success stories now (yay!), and while I am so very thrilled for each of you, please know that my lack of posting has nothing to do with you. I am still reading and supporting you and I hope to join you on "the other side" very soon. For those still struggling like me, you are in my prayers constantly.

I may be pretty quiet on this blog for awhile, as there won't be anything new to report for some time. I find that too much infertility reading can do a negative turn on my thoughts and attitudes. So because of that, I am making a gallant effort to keep my mind and heart filled with things that are good and positive!

Consult with Doc

Hello everyone!

We finally had our consult with Doc yesterday. I am still processing my feelings on everything, so this post will probably be all over the place.

I had two pages worth of questions for him!

I asked why he thought the current protocol (Clomid + HCG Trigger + IUI) hasn’t worked? He said each cycle of this only gives you about a 10 percent chance - cumulatively 3-4 times a 20-25 percent chance. So really he just chalked it up to the statistics not being that high for it. (Then why do we even bother with this one!)

I asked about getting tested for autoimmune and alloimmune issues. I know this is a highly-debated subject in reproductive medicine, and my doctor is in the camp that really doesn't believe in it. He only believes in autoimmune issues that cause miscarriage, not infertility. But he did agree to do some blood tests for me and if the results come back positive he will treat them. Here is what I had done yesterday:

Antiphospholipid antibodies 

Anticardiolipins

Thyroid (I had this checked over a year ago, but wanted it done again)

Here is what he will not test for or treat.

Natural Killer Cells

DQ Alpha 

MTHFR (said he would test for this and treat if I had a miscarriage only)

Anti-Thyroid

The one I really wanted to get tested for is NK cells. This is also the most highly-controversial one, since the treatment for it is expensive and not really proven. We are pretty sure we are going to use a doctor in another state to write the script for us to get this blood work done, and maybe a few of the others. 

I am still on the fence about what I will do if anything comes back positive. Since my doctor will not treat NK cells, I would have to travel to another state for IVF, something I really don't want to have to do. Right now we are leaning towards getting these tests done, and if the results are borderline we will probably do IVF here. If it didn't work out, we would then look at traveling and treating these issues. However, if the results were not borderline and clearly above average we would go with the out of state doctor right off the bat.

Sounds simple when you look at it. But the truth of the matter is that my insurance will only pay for one cycle of IVF (because after that I will only have about $1,000 left of my infertility coverage). So we would have to not only come up with the money for the second IVF, but we would also have to come up with airfare and hotel for a few weeks, not to mention the time off work. I know this is what most of you have to deal with. I know how very blessed I am to have insurance coverage at all. But it is still not an ideal back-up plan.

I asked him about my endometriosis growing back. I have had more pain since the surgery then before. He said that was partly due to fertility meds that are upping the level of progesterone and estrogen in my body, which cues the endo pain. (It will probably be even worse with IVF.)

Right now we are looking at doing IVF in January - I about fell off my chair when Doc told us that was the earliest he could get us in. Apparently they book up quick, especially at the end of the year. He doesn't think that is far away at all, but to someone who has waited two years each day seems like a lifetime. We could probably get into the out of state doctor before then, but as I said before, we really want to stay here if possible.

I am still debating about whether to do an IUI with injectibles. If we do this, it would really just be giving us something to do until January. It would also use up more of my fertility coverage. I know several of you have gotten pregnant with this treatment. And I think I would feel better about doing it if I had even been pregnant one time. But I haven't. I haven't even had a chemical pregnancy. I know miscarriages are awful, and I am not wishing I could have one by any means - but this is really influencing my decision to want to move on to IVF. I just don't see how an injectible cycle would be any different for me than the Clomid cycles. I produced at least one egg each cycle that was a good size, and each time my lining was great. If we do this, it will probably be just so I can feel like I tried everything before moving on to IVF.

Needless to say, we are still grappling with the future and God's plan in all of this mess. Each day I learn a new lesson or my eyes are opened in a new way because of infertility - and I am grateful for this growth and understanding, but I am still aching inside for our baby.

Third IUI = No Again

Unfortunately Husband's birthday wish did not come true. I was still sad, but honestly at this point I am always expecting it to be a no. There were still tears, but I wasn't surprised when all I saw was one line again. I will stop the progesterone after today.

I am not sure where we are going from here, but I am pretty sure we are done with IUIs. We have a consult with Doc in early October to talk about next steps, which will probably be IVF. I would also like to get some autoimmune testing done since there is a link with that and endometriosis. If the results are positive for any of those issues and Doc won't treat it, I will probably need to travel out of state to an RE that does.

Please pray for us. We are struggling with what to do next. I am at a loss as to why we haven't even been pregnant once in nearly two years of trying. I am young and healthy (just turned 28). My uterus is perfect, tubes are open and I am ovulating. Husband's sperm is great. I have endometriosis affecting one of my ovaries pretty severely, but we had surgery for that and it is supposed to be fixed. My uterine lining is good. I cannot think of why we are not seeing results - I know miscarriages are awful and I am not saying I want one. But it is very odd and scary to me that I have not even had a chemical pregnancy at this point. I want answers. Is it an egg issue? Is it autoimmune issues? Is it just that God has a lesson here and I haven't learned it yet? 

Regardless, our next month will be a month off, at least from any fertility treatments. That is honestly going to be so nice. After three months of no caffeine, the first thing I did this morning was have a big cup of coffee! We also have a mini-vacation coming up in October with family, so we are looking forward to that as well.

A Tale of Two iPads

My sweet husband surprised me on my birthday this year with an iPad 2. I had really been wanting one since they had first come out, but they are pretty pricey and we always had something more worthwhile to spend the money on. I was beyond excited to get it and have really been enjoying playing with it, reading books on it, watching movies, etc. Well, Husband was “stealing” it quite a bit from me to download his own apps and just play with it in general – he loves technology and was enamored with it. I could tell he really wanted one too, but we definitely could only afford one, so I said that we could share mine and it would be both of ours.

My company just finished its annual United Way giving campaign. At the end of each campaign we have a wrap-up meeting where we learn how much money we raised, among other things. Because of my role I am usually sitting off to the side with the tech guys, making sure the PowerPoint runs smoothly and we are staying on schedule.

Well, part of that schedule included the awarding of three grand prizes to donors. Basically everyone in my company donates (it’s a big company) and they draw names out of bowls to determine who will win big-ticket items. And this year – I won! You should have seen my face when my name was called. I was definitely shocked because the prize was…

an iPad 2!

And this thing was the pimp daddy of iPads. It was black (mine was white), it was 32 GB, Wi-Fi, you name it. Husband had gotten me a 16 GB without Wi-Fi. I knew right away I was going to give it to him for his birthday. It was funny because all day people at work were offering to buy it off me. They thought I wouldn’t want it since I had already gotten an iPad for my birthday. And truth be told, I might have sold it or even given it away if I didn’t know how much Husband wanted his own. The infertility has been equally hard on him, especially lately. I have seen how he hurts and how much he supports me and I wanted him to have a wonderful surprise like he had given me! (I had already given him his birthday present in August.)

I am a horrible secret-keeper, so I called him right away and told him. He was floored. And thrilled. And it made me happy.

So now we are the family of two iPads. Of course, I would give both of them away in a heartbeat for a baby. But it’s nice to have a fun toy to occupy us while we wait.

The Stroller Parade

This weekend we spent an afternoon at the zoo for my company's annual picnic. We look forward to it every year because we love our zoo and just enjoy seeing the animals and being outside. 

The vast majority of people I work with are married and have children. And of course, it's the zoo, so children abound. Usually seeing families and children puts a smile on my face and makes me eager for the day when I will have a family - children I can take to the zoo, enjoy a nice day with and show off to co-workers and all the other great (and not so great) things that come with being a parent. Lately however? Not so much.

Husband and I got to the picnic around lunch and quickly stacked our plates and took a seat at a picnic bench near the entrance. We were surrounded by families on every side of us. Every single picnic bench seemed to be filled with parents and children, most of them younger with babies. It was honestly and truly physically painful for me. Something I want so badly but am having such a hard time attaining - and everyone around me seems to have it.

And then what Husband and I dubbed "the stroller parade" began. Literally as soon as we sat down the strollers started pouring in through the entrance. One after the other after the other after the other. It was almost comical. Everyone had a stroller and they were all coming in at the same time and we had chosen the seats of honor in said parade. I started to tear up. I wanted to be in the parade. I was tired of sitting on the curb watching and waving. I told husband I had to get out of there and he quickly scarfed down the rest of his food and we hightailed it out of there.

After moping around for a few minutes feeling sorry for myself, I began to have a head conversation with myself. (Don't laugh - you know you do it too!)

Self: I am so sad and heartbroken. I have no children and don't know when this pain will end. Woe is me.

Head Self: Seriously? Snap out of it Orange Girl!

Self: But I can't! How can I ever be happy again with the constant reminder of my childlessness staring me in the face?

Head Self: Because it's a beautiful day and you are at the zoo with your wonderful husband. There are a lot of other people struggling out there - now suck it up and enjoy the day!

So I decided to follow Head Self's advice because hey, she sounds like a pretty smart girl! Husband and I decided to make a game of it. We were scouts on a mission to find all of the young couples under 40 without children. We knew there had to be more of us!

We found several married couples without children, and each time we saw one we won one point. However, what usually ended up happening is that we would see a couple from the back or from far away and get excited and immediately give ourselves another point. Then we would get up closer or the wife would turn to the side, and all of a sudden we would realize - Oh, never mind, they are pregnant. And then we would dock ourselves a point.

I don't remember what the final score was. The point of the game was just for fun, and to remind ourselves that we aren't the only childless young couple out there, even though it feels like it. We don't know what other couples have gone through to have those strollers in front of them - I am sure there are plenty out there who struggled to achieve that goal. 

After some animal perusing, we sat down on a park bench for a long time in a quiet, secluded area of the zoo. We just sat together and shared favorite, fun memories and laughed and smiled.

It did end up being a nice day. Even if my heart is still aching just a little.

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear for a long time has been that I won't ever be able to get pregnant. Long before we started trying to conceive I had these nagging thoughts that we were going to have problems - a lot of women in my family had had problems, and several of them were never successful. (They went on to be blessed by adoption.) I worried from a young age this would happen to me as well. That because I wanted it so badly that it would be something denied me, or a test that God would put me through.

And now I am right where I never wanted to be. Desperately trying to have a baby for almost two years. I have been praying for a long time that I would give this desire up if God has other plans for me - whether it be adoption or remaining childless. I have asked Him to take away the desire if it's not His will for my life. But the desire is still there, and stronger than ever. Nor do I feel ready to quit or give up on having my own biological child. I don't know if these are my own selfish wants taking over God's plan, or if He wants me to keep trying, or if He really isn't that concerned with whether anyone has children or not. As you can see, I am wrestling a lot with why God has me on this journey and what are the lessons here. 

I have seen so many people become pregnant lately - some without trying at all, more after months to years of struggle. And while I am genuinely happy for everyone, I can't shake the sadness and grief that each new pregnancy announcement brings me. It is a reminder of what I don't have, and what I am fearful I will never have. The thought of having to live my life with this constant weight of sadness every time I see other people with their families - well my friends, that is a hard thought to swallow. I don't think that heartache is something that would ever go away for me. 

I want to be a mother more than anything. It's so deeply embedded in the core of who I am and who I've always wanted to be, and because of that I have to cling to the hope that someday, somehow it will become a reality. I am just having a hard time seeing the other side of the road right now. I can't even see past the curb.

IUI #3

Yesterday was my third and final IUI. Once again it was relatively quick and painless. Only had one follicle big enough this time at 27 mm - I am worried it was a cyst, but they said no. My body had started to ovulate on its own by CD 12, so we had to turn right around and do the IUI the next day. That is the first time that has ever happened to me on a medicated cycle. Sperm count was great at 55 million. Lining was great at 10.1 mm. I had a few small cysts at the start of this cycle, but nothing big enough to have it canceled. So once again we wait and see.

This cycle I am trying to focus on other things. There are a lot of blessings in my life, and I want to think on these things and relish in them. God has answered my heart cries for so many other things in my life bigger and better than I could ever have dreamed of. I know He will do the same for this huge prayer, in His time and not mine.

On another note - third IUI was on my birthday, and we will find out the outcome on my husband's birthday. Neither of us can think of a better birthday present than finding out about our little orange!